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West Bromwich Albion have finally moved to save their season by sacking hapless boss Alan – no hang on, that was Southampton.

The final straw for Pardew was West Brom’s 4-1 defeat by Leicester City which made his sacking inevitable, notwithstanding the fact that it has not actually happened yet.

The Baggies have taken just eight points since Pardew joined on November 29, four fewer than Southampton, who have seen fit to change their manager. West Brom, for reasons known only to them, have not.  

Saints boss Mauricio Pellegrino can have no complaints about getting the sack after a truly underwhelming season, and nor could Alan Pardew if he had also been sacked yesterday, which he must have been, surely, and yet here he is, talking to FourFourTwo.

Pellegrino takes in the fact that he's actually been canned before Alan

Pardew said: “Yep, I’m still here. The only way this job could have gone worse is if I’d taken a dump in the chairman’s pot plant while sexting his wife, and yet, here we are.

“People claim this team would be doing better if the manager’s role was shared by a Magic 8-Ball and Ethel the Psychic Tapir, and they’re right, but at the end of the day I’m still in a job, which means you have to pay attention to me.”

At press time, sources confirmed that West Brom had somehow still, still, not sacked him and probably never would.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. There is no truth to it. None.