Aitor Karanka is engaged in a blazing row with the company hired to move him out of Middlesbrough, it has emerged.

The former Boro boss is understood to be deeply unhappy at the speed with which the removals men packed and loaded his possessions, calling them ‘madcap daredevils’ and demanding they followed his highly detailed instructions instead.

He was running alongside the van telling us to slow down in case there was a pigeon in the road

Removals man Terry Wentworth said: “We carefully packed up all Mr Karanka’s possessions, namely his 80,000 hand-typed dossiers on Middlesbrough’s opponents, his copy of Jose Mourinho’s autobiography, the tissue boxes he used as slippers, and the packing crate he used as a bed.

“All the while he was complaining that we were being unacceptably reckless, and that if we weren’t careful we were going to squash his tissue boxes.

“He was running alongside the van telling us to slow down in case there was a pigeon in the road, or a pothole opened up and we couldn’t stop in time, while insinuating that if we ignored him we weren’t real men.”

Aitor Karanka, Middlesbrough

"Hey, loco! Mind my rocking chair"

Caution

A source close to Karanka said: “Motoring along at the speed limit like those mad bastards wanted to do is madness, pure and simple. And they wanted to go through green lights, when everyone knows that a green light is a maximum of two minutes away from turning red.

“So what if every other car on the road overtakes us? If we go at two miles per hour at all times with the warning lights flashing, there is absolutely no chance of anything going wrong. Or indeed, of anything happening at all.

“Especially if we leave the handbrake on. I am very, very keen on handbrakes.”

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, obviously.

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